tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52697038820019430432023-11-15T14:26:41.307+01:00Pensieve SubstitueDo you ever feel like your brain will explode with thoughts unless you can get them into writing?Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-3447656836556162692018-09-29T01:53:00.000+02:002018-09-29T01:53:07.513+02:00Am I crashing again?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I think I'm slipping into that "everything sucks and it's never getting better and also it's probably all my fault and if I just got my act together evrythever would be good" mood.<br />
<br />
I think maybe this whole "jobless and homeless" thing is getting to me.<br />
<br />
It's been about a month since I moved all my things back to my mum's place and so far I've managed to have my base at the same place for all of that time. Except I spend maybe two or three nights a week there. The rest of my time is split between the two people I'm dating. Which is probably adding a bit of stress.<br />
<br />
I think I need three things right now:<br />
1. A job.<br />
2. A proper place of my own.<br />
3. This whole polyam thing figured out.<br />
<br />
I need to figure out exactly where I stand with both partners and exactly what they want and what I want etc.<br />
<br />
One person is a long term partner, we lived together for a couple of years. Technically we broke up, but it didn't take. We are not using labels right now, but I think I might maybe need them soon.<br />
<br />
The other person is still new and shiny. It's been less than two months which means I can't belove it's real yet. He assures me he's not the type of person to fall out of love easily. I'd like to call him my boyfriend. I'd love to introduce him to my family. I'm just not at the point where I can trust that it's not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight.<br />
<br />
And I need to figure out how to balance it and keep everyone involved reasonably happy (me included). Long term partner is too used to having me (mostly) to himself. He needs to figure out how to handle not having that. New and shiny needs to stick around long enough for me to believe it's real without crowding me.<br />
<br />
Long term partner is the one who's not comfortable with labels. New and shiny wants to be able to call me his girlfriend. I haven't figured out how to balance that.<br />
<br />
I think I might be falling into a hopeless black hole on the job front. It's been slow and demoralising. "Thank you for your application, we've decided to move ahead with other candidates." I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a job. Like I'll never be out of this limbo. Like I'll never get any type of stability in my life.<br />
<br />
On the housing front I can't even really start looking until I have a job lined up. I'm slowly losing my mind over this. I've seen a few people looking for flat mates and I've so far mostly had a visceral "nope, nope, nope" reaction. Even when it's been within my budget and most of it has looked good.<br />
<br />
I want the next time I move all my things to be a bit more permanent. I want the next time I move all my stuff it'll be to a place that's really <i>mine</i>, where I can stay until I <i>chose</i> to leave. Where I can't get kicked out. I've never had a place like that before. It's been renting a room or student housing. Either of which I can get kicked out from with three months notice.<br />
<br />
I don't want another place like that. I want something that is really <i>mine</i>. Where I can put down some roots and be happy staying at for a few years. Maybe even something where I can see myself staying for a longer time than that. Where I'd have the place for a family or a guest room.<br />
<br />
But for now I'm bouncing around peoples' sofas and trying to stay afloat.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck?</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-54100045012999354772018-08-15T16:15:00.000+02:002018-08-15T16:15:00.730+02:00Crushed crush<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sarurday saw us up all night cuddling and talking. Taking about everything and nothing. Talking about pasts and futures. Talking about "I've never told anyone this before" things.<br />
<br />
The following day and a half saw a non-stop conversation on various social media platforms. Silly stickers, heart eye emojis, lots of flirting.<br />
<br />
Monday saw us at my place, staying up way too late continuing where we left off Saturday. Hopes and dreams. Pasts, presents and futures. Back scratches and cuddles. A tiny kiss or two. Mutual crushes confirmed.<br />
<br />
Tuesday morning. You looked adorable all newly woken up. I was too grumpy about having to get out of bed to properly appreciate the cuddles you offered.<br />
<br />
Tuesday saw a questioned asked and answered. Now I have to let go of these butterflies. I have to let go of the tiny sliver if hope I allowed myself to feel. I have to let go of the thought of future nights staying up till the sun rises just being close to each other.<br />
<br />
I have to let go.<br />
<br />
It hurts.<br />
<br />
I knew it would.<br />
<br />
I just didn't expect it to affect me <i>this</i> much. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-64854417891217679732017-08-23T18:28:00.002+02:002017-08-23T18:28:35.014+02:00Hope?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't know what my life holds in store. I have no idea. But yesterday I felt hope. Hope that it could be good things. A tiny sliver of hope. Hope for a future.<br />
<br />
And now I'm scared. I'm scared all I'll ever have is hope for a better tomorrow. I'm scared that hope will flicker and die. I'm scared it already has gone out. I'm scared yesterday was the last bit of hope exploding from the dying star of my future.<br />
<br />
I'm scared.<br />
<br />
I'm scared I won't survive this bout of hopelessness. I'm scared my brain weasels will kill me. I'm scared that I can't withstand this tidal wave of numbness and sadness and emptiness.<br />
<br />
And yet, I'm not ready to give up. I'm holding on to this memory of hope. I'm clinging to the tiniest chance that things do get better.<br />
<br />
I want my future. I want ti to be happy. I want it to be bright. Hopeful. Joyous. I want a good future that is <i>mine</i>.<br />
<br />
I want my degree. I want a life partner. I want a million new beginnings. I want to flirt with boys. I want to kiss girls. I want to kiss and flirt with people who don't fit into our narrow binary idea of gender. I want kids. I want a big family with aunts, cousins and great grandparents.<br />
<br />
I want hope and joy and laughter and love.<br />
<br />
I want to <i>live</i>.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-62165436484823285992017-07-10T01:56:00.000+02:002017-07-10T01:59:10.734+02:00I don't want to give up!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm scared. Terrified.<br />
<br />
Right now I can't see a path from Where I'm At to Where I Want to Be. I'm scared I'll lose all hope and give up on life. I'm scared I won't make it through this rough patch. I'm scared of losing all my friends and support.<br />
<br />
I don't want to die, I just don't quite want to live either.<br />
<br />
I want a real life, with a family of my own, with kids, with a real job, with lots of friends. I want to have kids and see them grow up. I want to get married. I want to meet someone who makes my life light up.<br />
<br />
I don't want to be this heartbroken, slightly suicidal mess who's feeling alienated from all her friends. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-12110405577934084612017-02-01T16:14:00.001+01:002017-02-01T16:14:32.452+01:00Spiralling<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sometimes I feel like my life is spiralling out of control.<br />
<br />
I saw a shrink yesterday. Her theory is bipolar type 2. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Either way, she's sending me on to a psychiatrist for further evaluation. Wish me luck!</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-46153871323508739042016-09-30T10:21:00.001+02:002016-09-30T10:21:11.395+02:00Torn<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I love my boyfriend.<br />
<br />
Some parts of the relationship aren't working. Those will turn into deal breakers with enough time unless something changes. Hardly anything has changed in the past three years.<br />
<br />
I don't know what I want.<br />
<br />
Or am I just afraid to admit it to myself?</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-86043448681654257562016-09-30T10:18:00.002+02:002016-09-30T10:18:58.090+02:00Stress Levels Gone Down<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been a bit stressed out lately. I have a final next week that I don't even know how to study for and I'm supposed to be starting my thesis in five weeks. I still don't have an advisor.<br />
<br />
But now I have a back-up plan. So everything feels much better!<br />
<br />
Back-up plan:<br />
Thesis start in January<br />
Take a class from my other university next quarter.<br />
<br />
Graduate three months late.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-80173867748310572982016-09-23T11:17:00.001+02:002016-09-23T11:17:24.588+02:00Butterflies!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My tummy is full of butterflies!</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-88807904524010675872016-09-18T19:40:00.001+02:002016-09-18T19:40:10.739+02:00Nervous<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So many thoughts twirling around in my head.<br />
<br />
What do I even want? Do I wanna be in a relationship? Do I wanna be single?<br />
<br />
I'm kinda seeing a new friend, and it's really highlighting some of the problems I'm having in my relationship. The things I have to step-by-step tell my boyfriend about, that drains me having to explain, that I just wish he <i>knew</i>. The things I didn't realise how much energy it takes to keep up, the things that I'm coming to realise probably won't change and that I won't be able to live with indefinitely.<br />
<br />
And these things are a <i>complete non-issue</i> with my new friend. He just... <i>gets it</i>.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think I might need to break up with my boyfriend. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-32045080585671682362016-09-13T08:14:00.000+02:002016-09-13T08:14:29.825+02:00Woke up hungry<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off. Think I forgot to eat for parts of yesterday.<br />
<br />
I do that sometimes.<br />
<br />
It's better now than when I <i>chose </i>not to eat all my meals at least.<br />
<br />
I dreamt weird stuff. I dreamt I was trying to file my nails a bit, and it just didn't work. The file took off chunks at a time and I couldn't get my nails even. It was good to wake up after that xD<br />
<br />
Also dreamt that I was in a thrift store, but all their stuff was super expensive. Like add a zero to normal city thrift store prices. But the owners were super kind. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-73900252110712628592016-09-12T21:23:00.001+02:002016-09-12T21:23:08.345+02:00NRE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
New Relationship Energi (NRE) is something most people experience. When you meet a new person.<br />
<br />
I've mostly seen the term applied to romantic relationships, but I think it goes for platonic friendships as well.<br />
<br />
I'm definitely caught up with NRE right now. New person is on my mind a lot.<br />
<br />
How will I feel about him when it's not new and shiny any more?</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-85866258942020741392016-09-12T20:23:00.000+02:002016-09-12T20:23:19.311+02:00What is Love? What is Compatibility?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
What does it mean to love someone? How do you know if you love someone?<br />
<br />
Does it even matter? If you feel safe in their company. If your heart skips a beat each time your phone goes "new text!"<br />
<br />
How does new love and old love coexist?<br />
<br />
I'm in a fairly long term relationship. There are a few things that aren't quite what I'd wish them to be. There has been fairly little consistent improvement over the years. Each time we talk about it things will get better. For a while. Then back to same old, same old.<br />
<br />
Recently, I got involved with a new person. And he is really, <i>really</i> good at this thing. In a way that really highlights how much energy I put into "dealing" (read ignore and hope it will get better and periodically going "this needs to change or I'm out!") with the issue. It's just not an issue at all.<br />
<br />
New person has other things where we don't quite mesh, but since everything is new and shiny I don't know how much of an issue those would be in the long run.<br />
<br />
Do I love my current long term partner? Yes. I definitely do.<br />
Are we compatible? I don't know, but the doubts are there. And they're consistent.<br />
<br />
Do I love new person? I don't know. I definitely like him. A lot.<br />
Are we compatible? Too soon to tell. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-20333323950225045462016-02-13T23:08:00.003+01:002016-02-13T23:08:41.065+01:00Old Diaries Found<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Found a bunch of my old diaries today. Skimmed through one of them a bit, and parts of it was painful to read. The guy I mentioned in my <a href="http://psubstitute.blogspot.se/2016/02/ten-years-ago-this-summer.html">last post</a>, I really saw him as a friend. Before he completely broke my trust.<br />
<br />
Mortality of 2003 was a lot different than I am today. And also a lot like Mortality of 2016.<br />
<br />
Now, just as back then, I'm fiercely loyal to my friends. I sometimes give so much I don't have enough left to take care of myself. I also get a lot from my friends. And I love my friends.<br />
<br />
Then, just as now, I had some pretty serious trust issues. But I also knew that without any risk friendships can't exist. You can't have a meaningful relationship with another person without risking heartbreak. Back then I just took different risks.<br />
<br />
<br />
Taking it one day at the time, I'm working on becoming the best version of me that I can!<br />
<br /></div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-67124959808774935052016-02-06T01:45:00.000+01:002016-02-06T01:45:14.612+01:00Ten years ago this summer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
He was supposed to be one of my best friends.<br />
I stayed a week.<br />
He did not take "no" for an answer.<br />
<br />
I took me a year and then some to use the right words to describe what happened.<br />
<br />
I was raped.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-27790954513455670012016-01-30T20:53:00.000+01:002016-01-30T20:53:20.004+01:00Traveling<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I love traveling. I love airports. I love the excitement of going somewhere new, or returning to a beloved home away from home.<br />
<br />
So far I've visited three (or four, if Tenerife counts as Africa xD) continents. Some day I want to visit the rest of them! </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-81932020510985533192016-01-30T01:16:00.002+01:002016-01-30T01:16:17.419+01:00Arguing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My parents argued. Loudly sometimes.<br />
<br />
A few days ago some of my neighbours had a loud row right around the time I was waking up. So the yelling mingled with my dreams as my consciousness came up from the depths of sleep, zapping me back twenty years to waking up to arguing parents.<br />
<br />
I used to have tummy aches more often than not. Until my dad moved over seas. Or so my mum told me. I don't quite remember.<br />
<br />
I hate arguing and angry people. It makes me nervous.<br />
<br />
My dad can't leave his ego out of things, that would've been a very bad combination with teenage tantrums. I'm actually quite glad that he wasn't around for most of my teens. And that was before I cut him off. We didn't speak for four years.<br />
<br />
He nearly died in a car crash halfway through those four years. He came out of that a lot more mellow. We have somewhat of a relationship these days.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-73286568736290000662016-01-29T00:43:00.004+01:002016-01-31T02:00:27.601+01:00Unexpected Residual Feelings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There is this guy, i used to consider him "the one who got away" for a long time. We talked on the phone today. It was weird. He talked about some things that was going on between him and his girlfriend and it mirrored some of the stuff that went down between us back in 2010. And I just want to reach back in time, give past-me a giant hug and tell her she deserves better.<br />
<br />
I realised I had some residual feelings for him, and I just have to find a way to live with that. What I don't have to live with is the belief that he was my " perfect guy" and that I'll never get anything as good as what we could've had. Past-me deserved a lot better than what he was capable of giving me back then.<br />
<br />
So does present-me.<br />
<br />
And future-me.<br />
<br />
I deserve some one who'll prioratise me in a way that he never did. Someone who cares about me, and shows it even when it isn't easy, in a way this guy never did.<br />
<br />
This guy isn't "the one who got away", he's just the one I had the hardest time getting over. The one who bailed before we knew if we had a chance, leaving me with a fuck ton of what-ifs. He isn't "the one who got away" cos relationships aren't about catching someone and holding them down, it's about choosing each other every day.<br />
<br />
Relationships are about choice.<br />
<br />
Now my emotions just have to get that memo as well.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-47675821015832664932016-01-23T14:16:00.001+01:002016-01-23T14:23:09.990+01:00Found my old blog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I used to write a lot on my old blog. Over three years (summer of 2007 through summer of 2010) I wrote some 800 posts about my life. I processed some trauma, chronicles my first relationship in detail, and I think I only stopped blogging when I started getting really involved in my extra curricular clubs in University.<br />
<br />
I wish there was an easy way to link these two blogs while still keeping them separate. Someday I should probably read through the archives properly, to see how my memories line up with the stuff written nearly in real time.<br />
<br />
I see some parallels in my current relationship to that first one. I'm not sure I'm actually supposed to ever be in a serious, monogamous relationship. I'm starting to feel a bit trapped in this one tbh, but there are a few factors working together to keep me here. I do love him, we live together, so untangling out lives would be a pain. I'm dealing with some mental health issues, so I don't really have the energy to deal with uncoupling. And I'm hoping that this feeling will pass.<br />
<br />
Am I just a horrible girlfriend in general?<br />
<br />
What do I actually want out of that part of my life? Do I want to forever juggle a couple of friends with benefits type relationships? Do I want something properly serious?<br />
<br />
<br />
I think I want kids some day.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-26677537144676343432016-01-23T12:59:00.002+01:002016-01-23T12:59:36.189+01:00Cis, sexism and pronouns<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't remember when I learnt that trans people existed, that not everyone identified with the gender they were assigned at birth. But I do remember the first time I heard the word "cis", and I was all like "YES! Finally I have the word for me!". Cos saying I "wasn't trans" or "non-trans" didn't feel quite right. Neither did "normal". I've never liked applying the word "normal" to myself.<br />
<br />
Cis was one of the first labels I felt really comfortable with. Even more so than "girl". I don't know why. Could have something to do with going through a phase were I wondered if I was really a boy, and people were just mistaken when I was born. I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
Then we get the whole pronouns thing. I really, really, really dislike being misgendered. To the point where I was very vocal about what pronouns I preferred as a teen girl playing MMOs. <i>Very </i>vocal. If someone used "he" when talking about me, I'd type "she*" as if it was a typo and they really knew what pronouns they ought to use. I would rather take all the abuse girls get online than have anyone call me "he".<br />
<br />
I talked about that with a friend a few weeks ago. About misgendering and using the wrong pronouns. I said something about how I really understand trans people who hate when people use the wrong pronouns, and how I was very vocal about being a girl online. My friend said she preferred the wrong pronouns to all the grief girls get when playing games online. We had different survival tactics.<br />
<br />
I really like talking to her about gender stuff and equality, cos we have very different ways of dealing with all the sexism in the world. So it's really interesting to "compare notes" so to say. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-19572456601076075272015-11-15T19:23:00.002+01:002015-11-15T19:23:06.659+01:00Not sure if happy or sad.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.<br />
<br />
I think I'm a bit overwhelmed. And I'm not even sure why.<br />
<br />
Can I blame all the hormones and "that time of the month"?<br />
<br />
Or maybe the meds.<br />
<br />
I just don't know...<br />
<br />
Or maybe I just need a hug.<br />
<br />
I don't think it's healthy for me to be more or less alone for three days and nights.<br />
<br />
It's like something is missing, but I can't quite out my finger on what.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-36662631803505062012015-11-15T10:50:00.003+01:002015-11-15T10:50:56.587+01:00The kind of guilt you only feel when your day is really bad and then terrorists hit Paris and facebook explodes in support.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I think I need to talk to my doc about my meds. I've been feeling all kinds of off for the past week and a half. I did suspect PMS, but when six days had passed without any bleeding I wasn't so sure any more.<br />
<br />
Five days after that my uterus decided to be all like "No baby this month either? Well, I'm gonna make you feel sorry you were ever born!!" So now I've got cramps and my mood is still out of whack. PMS IS SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY WHEN THE CRAMPS COME! I'm not supposed to have any overlap. It's called PRE menstrual s-something. THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY OVERLAP!<br />
<br />
And then facebook explodes in support for Paris, and I just feel really shitty cos here I am complaining about cramps and brain chemistry when PEOPLE ARE DYING! I'm safe. I'm alive. As far as I know, no one I know has been directly affected.<br />
<br />
And I the guilt just makes my already crappy day feel even worse.<br />
<br />
And then I feel guilty about that.<br />
<br />
And then my mood spirals down into a black hole.<br />
<br />
<br />
And my partner chose this specific weekend to leave the country and go drink beer with friends. And I just wish he was here to take care of me. And then I feel guilty about that.<br />
<br />
And then I see a facebook picture of them all in Vienna being all happy and I get kinda angry.<br />
<br />
And then I feel guilty about that.<br />
<br />
And then my mood just curls up in that black hole and demand chocolate. </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-59501055795959313362015-08-13T21:15:00.001+02:002015-08-13T21:15:59.180+02:00Why does this movie affect me so?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm watching a movie about a slightly disturbed teenager sleeping with guys too old for me. And I've got close to ten years on the chick. And of course she was molested as a kid and is all kinds of fucked up now practically throwing herself as those older guys.<br />
<br />
I just feel sorry for the kid.<br />
<br />
There is nothing wrong with being promiscuous if that's what makes you feel good. But sex should be for the right reasons, and for that to be possible you have to figure out what your reasons actually are. To feel something is a valid reason.<br />
<br />
I think one of the reasons why I wanna shake her and then hug her is cos I see part of myself, my younger self, in her. I was all kinds of messed up when I was 18. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a boyfriend I'd probably have ended up in a lot of situations I'd regret.<br />
<br />
I still did.<br />
<br />
Some of them were even my fault.<br />
<br />
Some weren't.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was sexually assaulted more than once.</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-1795584406923818092015-03-08T23:53:00.003+01:002015-03-08T23:53:32.753+01:00Numbers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I love numbers. I've loved numbers for as long as I can remember, maths for as long as I've known what it is. I remember the exhilarating feeling the first time I counted to a hundred. I remember when I finally learned all the weird words for the Danish numbers and how proud I was. I remember learning about derivatives and integrals, imaginary numbers and other bases. Every time I learn something new it's like flying, amazing and exciting.<br />
<br />
There is one number I don't much care for, the number of sexual partners I've had. How do you even count that? And why does that number carry so much weight in how people judge your character? Does it make me less of a person if I've slept with two people? Five people? Twenty people? Why do people care so much?<br />
<br />
Why do some men feel the need to judge their partners' numbers? Why do they lose respect for a woman whose number they deem "too high". Why do we have this whore/madonna dichotomy? </div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5269703882001943043.post-10921198278992780832014-11-03T01:16:00.002+01:002014-11-03T01:16:56.786+01:00This is where I rant<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I had trouble sleeping. It's currently just after 1AM and I should be in bed. I've got work in the morning. The volunteer kind, but I still need to be professional. I don't know why I can't sleep. Or maybe I do. Maybe it's because of all the thoughts swirling around in my head.<br />
<br />
Lately a lot of issues I thought were resolved have come up to the surface again. There was a thread in a facebook group about abuse. A bunch of people wrote about everything from stupid comments to attempted murder. I knew a bunch of the people posting. I wrote about that time I offered that guy a place to sleep and his hands went places they weren't supposed to. That was a very minor thing compared to other things I've endured. I hate using the word "rape", the word itself is painful. But there you have it, I've been raped and made to endure a couple of lesser sexual assaults. I've written about it before, on another little corner of the internet, on a couple of forums and in my old-fashioned physical diary.<br />
<br />
My partner is currently asleep in our bed. I wish I was too. I'm going to be half-dead tomorrow. People might think the zombie apocalypse happened. Thankfully there is caffeine. And a snooze button for my alarm that will go off in six hours.<br />
<br />
Well, until nest time I guess!</div>
Mortalityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07159716229759915944noreply@blogger.com0