I think I'm slipping into that "everything sucks and it's never getting better and also it's probably all my fault and if I just got my act together evrythever would be good" mood.
I think maybe this whole "jobless and homeless" thing is getting to me.
It's been about a month since I moved all my things back to my mum's place and so far I've managed to have my base at the same place for all of that time. Except I spend maybe two or three nights a week there. The rest of my time is split between the two people I'm dating. Which is probably adding a bit of stress.
I think I need three things right now:
1. A job.
2. A proper place of my own.
3. This whole polyam thing figured out.
I need to figure out exactly where I stand with both partners and exactly what they want and what I want etc.
One person is a long term partner, we lived together for a couple of years. Technically we broke up, but it didn't take. We are not using labels right now, but I think I might maybe need them soon.
The other person is still new and shiny. It's been less than two months which means I can't belove it's real yet. He assures me he's not the type of person to fall out of love easily. I'd like to call him my boyfriend. I'd love to introduce him to my family. I'm just not at the point where I can trust that it's not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight.
And I need to figure out how to balance it and keep everyone involved reasonably happy (me included). Long term partner is too used to having me (mostly) to himself. He needs to figure out how to handle not having that. New and shiny needs to stick around long enough for me to believe it's real without crowding me.
Long term partner is the one who's not comfortable with labels. New and shiny wants to be able to call me his girlfriend. I haven't figured out how to balance that.
I think I might be falling into a hopeless black hole on the job front. It's been slow and demoralising. "Thank you for your application, we've decided to move ahead with other candidates." I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a job. Like I'll never be out of this limbo. Like I'll never get any type of stability in my life.
On the housing front I can't even really start looking until I have a job lined up. I'm slowly losing my mind over this. I've seen a few people looking for flat mates and I've so far mostly had a visceral "nope, nope, nope" reaction. Even when it's been within my budget and most of it has looked good.
I want the next time I move all my things to be a bit more permanent. I want the next time I move all my stuff it'll be to a place that's really mine, where I can stay until I chose to leave. Where I can't get kicked out. I've never had a place like that before. It's been renting a room or student housing. Either of which I can get kicked out from with three months notice.
I don't want another place like that. I want something that is really mine. Where I can put down some roots and be happy staying at for a few years. Maybe even something where I can see myself staying for a longer time than that. Where I'd have the place for a family or a guest room.
But for now I'm bouncing around peoples' sofas and trying to stay afloat.
Wish me luck?
I think maybe this whole "jobless and homeless" thing is getting to me.
It's been about a month since I moved all my things back to my mum's place and so far I've managed to have my base at the same place for all of that time. Except I spend maybe two or three nights a week there. The rest of my time is split between the two people I'm dating. Which is probably adding a bit of stress.
I think I need three things right now:
1. A job.
2. A proper place of my own.
3. This whole polyam thing figured out.
I need to figure out exactly where I stand with both partners and exactly what they want and what I want etc.
One person is a long term partner, we lived together for a couple of years. Technically we broke up, but it didn't take. We are not using labels right now, but I think I might maybe need them soon.
The other person is still new and shiny. It's been less than two months which means I can't belove it's real yet. He assures me he's not the type of person to fall out of love easily. I'd like to call him my boyfriend. I'd love to introduce him to my family. I'm just not at the point where I can trust that it's not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight.
And I need to figure out how to balance it and keep everyone involved reasonably happy (me included). Long term partner is too used to having me (mostly) to himself. He needs to figure out how to handle not having that. New and shiny needs to stick around long enough for me to believe it's real without crowding me.
Long term partner is the one who's not comfortable with labels. New and shiny wants to be able to call me his girlfriend. I haven't figured out how to balance that.
I think I might be falling into a hopeless black hole on the job front. It's been slow and demoralising. "Thank you for your application, we've decided to move ahead with other candidates." I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a job. Like I'll never be out of this limbo. Like I'll never get any type of stability in my life.
On the housing front I can't even really start looking until I have a job lined up. I'm slowly losing my mind over this. I've seen a few people looking for flat mates and I've so far mostly had a visceral "nope, nope, nope" reaction. Even when it's been within my budget and most of it has looked good.
I want the next time I move all my things to be a bit more permanent. I want the next time I move all my stuff it'll be to a place that's really mine, where I can stay until I chose to leave. Where I can't get kicked out. I've never had a place like that before. It's been renting a room or student housing. Either of which I can get kicked out from with three months notice.
I don't want another place like that. I want something that is really mine. Where I can put down some roots and be happy staying at for a few years. Maybe even something where I can see myself staying for a longer time than that. Where I'd have the place for a family or a guest room.
But for now I'm bouncing around peoples' sofas and trying to stay afloat.
Wish me luck?
