Unexpected Residual Feelings

There is this guy, i used to consider him "the one who got away" for a long time. We talked on the phone today. It was weird. He talked about some things that was going on between him and his girlfriend and it mirrored some of the stuff that went down between us back in 2010. And I just want to reach back in time, give past-me a giant hug and tell her she deserves better.

I realised I had some residual feelings for him, and I just have to find a way to live with that. What I don't have to live with is the belief that he was my " perfect guy" and that I'll never get anything as good as what we could've had. Past-me deserved a lot better than what he was capable of giving me back then.

So does present-me.

And future-me.

I deserve some one who'll prioratise me in a way that he never did. Someone who cares about me, and shows it even when it isn't easy, in a way this guy never did.

This guy isn't "the one who got away", he's just the one I had the hardest time getting over. The one who bailed before we knew if we had a chance, leaving me with a fuck ton of what-ifs. He isn't "the one who got away" cos relationships aren't about catching someone and holding them down, it's about choosing each other every day.

Relationships are about choice.

Now my emotions just have to get that memo as well.

Found my old blog

I used to write a lot on my old blog. Over three years (summer of 2007 through summer of 2010) I wrote some 800 posts about my life. I processed some trauma, chronicles my first relationship in detail, and I think I only stopped blogging when I started getting really involved in my extra curricular clubs in University.

I wish there was an easy way to link these two blogs while still keeping them separate. Someday I should probably read through the archives properly, to see how my memories line up with the stuff written nearly in real time.

I see some parallels in my current relationship to that first one. I'm not sure I'm actually supposed to ever be in a serious, monogamous relationship. I'm starting to feel a bit trapped in this one tbh, but there are a few factors working together to keep me here. I do love him, we live together, so untangling out lives would be a pain. I'm dealing with some mental health issues, so I don't really have the energy to deal with uncoupling. And I'm hoping that this feeling will pass.

Am I just a horrible girlfriend in general?

What do I actually want out of that part of my life? Do I want to forever juggle a couple of friends with benefits type relationships? Do I want something properly serious?


I think I want kids some day.

Cis, sexism and pronouns

I don't remember when I learnt that trans people existed, that not everyone identified with the gender they were assigned at birth. But I do remember the first time I heard the word "cis", and I was all like "YES! Finally I have the word for me!". Cos saying I "wasn't trans" or "non-trans" didn't feel quite right. Neither did "normal". I've never liked applying the word "normal" to myself.

Cis was one of the first labels I felt really comfortable with. Even more so than "girl". I don't know why. Could have something to do with going through a phase were I wondered if I was really a boy, and people were just mistaken when I was born. I'm not sure.

Then we get the whole pronouns thing. I really, really, really dislike being misgendered. To the point where I was very vocal about what pronouns I preferred as a teen girl playing MMOs. Very vocal. If someone used "he" when talking about me, I'd type "she*" as if it was a typo and they really knew what pronouns they ought to use. I would rather take all the abuse girls get online than have anyone call me "he".

I talked about that with a friend a few weeks ago. About misgendering and using the wrong pronouns. I said something about how I really understand trans people who hate when people use the wrong pronouns, and how I was very vocal about being a girl online. My friend said she preferred the wrong pronouns to all the grief girls get when playing games online. We had different survival tactics.

I really like talking to her about gender stuff and equality, cos we have very different ways of dealing with all the sexism in the world. So it's really interesting to "compare notes" so to say. 

Not sure if happy or sad.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.

I think I'm a bit overwhelmed. And I'm not even sure why.

Can I blame all the hormones and "that time of the month"?

Or maybe the meds.

I just don't know...

Or maybe I just need a hug.

I don't think it's healthy for me to be more or less alone for three days and nights.

It's like something is missing, but I can't quite out my finger on what.

The kind of guilt you only feel when your day is really bad and then terrorists hit Paris and facebook explodes in support.

I think I need to talk to my doc about my meds. I've been feeling all kinds of off for the past week and a half. I did suspect PMS, but when six days had passed without any bleeding I wasn't so sure any more.

Five days after that my uterus decided to be all like "No baby this month either? Well, I'm gonna make you feel sorry you were ever born!!" So now I've got cramps and my mood is still out of whack. PMS IS SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY WHEN THE CRAMPS COME! I'm not supposed to have any overlap. It's called PRE menstrual s-something. THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY OVERLAP!

And then facebook explodes in support for Paris, and I just feel really shitty cos here I am complaining about cramps and brain chemistry when PEOPLE ARE DYING! I'm safe. I'm alive. As far as I know, no one I know has been directly affected.

And I the guilt just makes my already crappy day feel even worse.

And then I feel guilty about that.

And then my mood spirals down into a black hole.


And my partner chose this specific weekend to leave the country and go drink beer with friends. And I just wish he was here to take care of me. And then I feel guilty about that.

And then I see a facebook picture of them all in Vienna being all happy and I get kinda angry.

And then I feel guilty about that.

And then my mood just curls up in that black hole and demand chocolate. 

Why does this movie affect me so?

I'm watching a movie about a slightly disturbed teenager sleeping with guys too old for me. And I've got close to ten years on the chick. And of course she was molested as a kid and is all kinds of fucked up now practically throwing herself as those older guys.

I just feel sorry for the kid.

There is nothing wrong with being promiscuous if that's what makes you feel good. But sex should be for the right reasons, and for that to be possible you have to figure out what your reasons actually are. To feel something is a valid reason.

I think one of the reasons why I wanna shake her and then hug her is cos I see part of myself, my younger self, in her. I was all kinds of messed up when I was 18. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a boyfriend I'd probably have ended up in a lot of situations I'd regret.

I still did.

Some of them were even my fault.

Some weren't.



I was sexually assaulted more than once.

Numbers

I love numbers. I've loved numbers for as long as I can remember, maths for as long as I've known what it is. I remember the exhilarating feeling the first time I counted to a hundred. I remember when I finally learned all the weird words for the Danish numbers and how proud I was. I remember learning about derivatives and integrals, imaginary numbers and other bases. Every time I learn something new it's like flying, amazing and exciting.

There is one number I don't much care for, the number of sexual partners I've had. How do you even count that? And why does that number carry so much weight in how people judge your character? Does it make me less of a person if I've slept with two people? Five people? Twenty people? Why do people care so much?

Why do some men feel the need to judge their partners' numbers? Why do they lose respect for a woman whose number they deem "too high". Why do we have this whore/madonna dichotomy?