Butterflies!

My tummy is full of butterflies!

Nervous

So many thoughts twirling around in my head.

What do I even want? Do I wanna be in a relationship? Do I wanna be single?

I'm kinda seeing a new friend, and it's really highlighting some of the problems I'm having in my relationship. The things I have to step-by-step tell my boyfriend about, that drains me having to explain, that I just wish he knew. The things I didn't realise how much energy it takes to keep up, the things that I'm coming to realise probably won't change and that I won't be able to live with indefinitely.

And these things are a complete non-issue with my new friend. He just... gets it.


I think I might need to break up with my boyfriend. 

Woke up hungry

I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off. Think I forgot to eat for parts of yesterday.

I do that sometimes.

It's better now than when I chose not to eat all my meals at least.

I dreamt weird stuff. I dreamt I was trying to file my nails a bit, and it just didn't work. The file took off chunks at a time and I couldn't get my nails even. It was good to wake up after that xD

Also dreamt that I was in a thrift store, but all their stuff was super expensive. Like add a zero to normal city thrift store prices. But the owners were super kind. 

NRE

New Relationship Energi (NRE) is something most people experience. When you meet a new person.

I've mostly seen the term applied to romantic relationships, but I think it goes for platonic friendships as well.

I'm definitely caught up with NRE right now. New person is on my mind a lot.

How will I feel about him when it's not new and shiny any more?

What is Love? What is Compatibility?

What does it mean to love someone? How do you know if you love someone?

Does it even matter? If you feel safe in their company. If your heart skips a beat each time your phone goes "new text!"

How does new love and old love coexist?

I'm in a fairly long term relationship. There are a few things that aren't quite what I'd wish them to be. There has been fairly little consistent improvement over the years. Each time we talk about it things will get better. For a while. Then back to same old, same old.

Recently, I got involved with a new person. And he is really, really good at this thing. In a way that really highlights how much energy I put into "dealing" (read ignore and hope it will get better and periodically going "this needs to change or I'm out!") with the issue. It's just not an issue at all.

New person has other things where we don't quite mesh, but since everything is new and shiny I don't know how much of an issue those would be in the long run.

Do I love my current long term partner? Yes. I definitely do.
Are we compatible? I don't know, but the doubts are there. And they're consistent.

Do I love new person? I don't know. I definitely like him. A lot.
Are we compatible? Too soon to tell. 

Old Diaries Found

Found a bunch of my old diaries today. Skimmed through one of them a bit, and parts of it was painful to read. The guy I mentioned in my last post, I really saw him as a friend. Before he completely broke my trust.

Mortality of 2003 was a lot different than I am today. And also a lot like Mortality of 2016.

Now, just as back then, I'm fiercely loyal to my friends. I sometimes give so much I don't have enough left to take care of myself. I also get a lot from my friends. And I love my friends.

Then, just as now, I had some pretty serious trust issues. But I also knew that without any risk friendships can't exist. You can't have a meaningful relationship with another person without risking heartbreak. Back then I just took different risks.


Taking it one day at the time, I'm working on becoming the best version of me that I can!

Ten years ago this summer

He was supposed to be one of my best friends.
I stayed a week.
He did not take "no" for an answer.

I took me a year and then some to use the right words to describe what happened.

I was raped.