Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Hope?

I don't know what my life holds in store. I have no idea. But yesterday I felt hope. Hope that it could be good things. A tiny sliver of hope. Hope for a future.

And now I'm scared. I'm scared all I'll ever have is hope for a better tomorrow. I'm scared that hope will flicker and die. I'm scared it already has gone out. I'm scared yesterday was the last bit of hope exploding from the dying star of my future.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I won't survive this bout of hopelessness. I'm scared my brain weasels will kill me. I'm scared that I can't withstand this tidal wave of numbness and sadness and emptiness.

And yet, I'm not ready to give up. I'm holding on to this memory of hope. I'm clinging to the tiniest chance that things do get better.

I want my future. I want ti to be happy. I want it to be bright. Hopeful. Joyous. I want a good future that is mine.

I want my degree. I want a life partner. I want a million new beginnings. I want to flirt with boys. I want to kiss girls. I want to kiss and flirt with people who don't fit into our narrow binary idea of gender. I want kids. I want a big family with aunts, cousins and great grandparents.

I want hope and joy and laughter and love.

I want to live.

Monday, 10 July 2017

I don't want to give up!

I'm scared. Terrified.

Right now I can't see a path from Where I'm At to Where I Want to Be. I'm scared I'll lose all hope and give up on life. I'm scared I won't make it through this rough patch. I'm scared of losing all my friends and support.

I don't want to die, I just don't quite want to live either.

I want a real life, with a family of my own, with kids, with a real job, with lots of friends. I want to have kids and see them grow up. I want to get married. I want to meet someone who makes my life light up.

I don't want to be this heartbroken, slightly suicidal mess who's feeling alienated from all her friends. 

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Spiralling

Sometimes I feel like my life is spiralling out of control.

I saw a shrink yesterday. Her theory is bipolar type 2. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Either way, she's sending me on to a psychiatrist for further evaluation. Wish me luck!

Friday, 30 September 2016

Torn

I love my boyfriend.

Some parts of the relationship aren't working. Those will turn into deal breakers with enough time unless something changes. Hardly anything has changed in the past three years.

I don't know what I want.

Or am I just afraid to admit it to myself?

Stress Levels Gone Down

I've been a bit stressed out lately. I have a final next week that I don't even know how to study for and I'm supposed to be starting my thesis in five weeks. I still don't have an advisor.

But now I have a back-up plan. So everything feels much better!

Back-up plan:
Thesis start in January
Take a class from my other university next quarter.

Graduate three months late.


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Nervous

So many thoughts twirling around in my head.

What do I even want? Do I wanna be in a relationship? Do I wanna be single?

I'm kinda seeing a new friend, and it's really highlighting some of the problems I'm having in my relationship. The things I have to step-by-step tell my boyfriend about, that drains me having to explain, that I just wish he knew. The things I didn't realise how much energy it takes to keep up, the things that I'm coming to realise probably won't change and that I won't be able to live with indefinitely.

And these things are a complete non-issue with my new friend. He just... gets it.


I think I might need to break up with my boyfriend.