Not sure if happy or sad.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.

I think I'm a bit overwhelmed. And I'm not even sure why.

Can I blame all the hormones and "that time of the month"?

Or maybe the meds.

I just don't know...

Or maybe I just need a hug.

I don't think it's healthy for me to be more or less alone for three days and nights.

It's like something is missing, but I can't quite out my finger on what.

The kind of guilt you only feel when your day is really bad and then terrorists hit Paris and facebook explodes in support.

I think I need to talk to my doc about my meds. I've been feeling all kinds of off for the past week and a half. I did suspect PMS, but when six days had passed without any bleeding I wasn't so sure any more.

Five days after that my uterus decided to be all like "No baby this month either? Well, I'm gonna make you feel sorry you were ever born!!" So now I've got cramps and my mood is still out of whack. PMS IS SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY WHEN THE CRAMPS COME! I'm not supposed to have any overlap. It's called PRE menstrual s-something. THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY OVERLAP!

And then facebook explodes in support for Paris, and I just feel really shitty cos here I am complaining about cramps and brain chemistry when PEOPLE ARE DYING! I'm safe. I'm alive. As far as I know, no one I know has been directly affected.

And I the guilt just makes my already crappy day feel even worse.

And then I feel guilty about that.

And then my mood spirals down into a black hole.


And my partner chose this specific weekend to leave the country and go drink beer with friends. And I just wish he was here to take care of me. And then I feel guilty about that.

And then I see a facebook picture of them all in Vienna being all happy and I get kinda angry.

And then I feel guilty about that.

And then my mood just curls up in that black hole and demand chocolate. 

Why does this movie affect me so?

I'm watching a movie about a slightly disturbed teenager sleeping with guys too old for me. And I've got close to ten years on the chick. And of course she was molested as a kid and is all kinds of fucked up now practically throwing herself as those older guys.

I just feel sorry for the kid.

There is nothing wrong with being promiscuous if that's what makes you feel good. But sex should be for the right reasons, and for that to be possible you have to figure out what your reasons actually are. To feel something is a valid reason.

I think one of the reasons why I wanna shake her and then hug her is cos I see part of myself, my younger self, in her. I was all kinds of messed up when I was 18. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a boyfriend I'd probably have ended up in a lot of situations I'd regret.

I still did.

Some of them were even my fault.

Some weren't.



I was sexually assaulted more than once.

Numbers

I love numbers. I've loved numbers for as long as I can remember, maths for as long as I've known what it is. I remember the exhilarating feeling the first time I counted to a hundred. I remember when I finally learned all the weird words for the Danish numbers and how proud I was. I remember learning about derivatives and integrals, imaginary numbers and other bases. Every time I learn something new it's like flying, amazing and exciting.

There is one number I don't much care for, the number of sexual partners I've had. How do you even count that? And why does that number carry so much weight in how people judge your character? Does it make me less of a person if I've slept with two people? Five people? Twenty people? Why do people care so much?

Why do some men feel the need to judge their partners' numbers? Why do they lose respect for a woman whose number they deem "too high". Why do we have this whore/madonna dichotomy?