Friday, 30 September 2016

Torn

I love my boyfriend.

Some parts of the relationship aren't working. Those will turn into deal breakers with enough time unless something changes. Hardly anything has changed in the past three years.

I don't know what I want.

Or am I just afraid to admit it to myself?

Stress Levels Gone Down

I've been a bit stressed out lately. I have a final next week that I don't even know how to study for and I'm supposed to be starting my thesis in five weeks. I still don't have an advisor.

But now I have a back-up plan. So everything feels much better!

Back-up plan:
Thesis start in January
Take a class from my other university next quarter.

Graduate three months late.


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Nervous

So many thoughts twirling around in my head.

What do I even want? Do I wanna be in a relationship? Do I wanna be single?

I'm kinda seeing a new friend, and it's really highlighting some of the problems I'm having in my relationship. The things I have to step-by-step tell my boyfriend about, that drains me having to explain, that I just wish he knew. The things I didn't realise how much energy it takes to keep up, the things that I'm coming to realise probably won't change and that I won't be able to live with indefinitely.

And these things are a complete non-issue with my new friend. He just... gets it.


I think I might need to break up with my boyfriend. 

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Woke up hungry

I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off. Think I forgot to eat for parts of yesterday.

I do that sometimes.

It's better now than when I chose not to eat all my meals at least.

I dreamt weird stuff. I dreamt I was trying to file my nails a bit, and it just didn't work. The file took off chunks at a time and I couldn't get my nails even. It was good to wake up after that xD

Also dreamt that I was in a thrift store, but all their stuff was super expensive. Like add a zero to normal city thrift store prices. But the owners were super kind. 

Monday, 12 September 2016

NRE

New Relationship Energi (NRE) is something most people experience. When you meet a new person.

I've mostly seen the term applied to romantic relationships, but I think it goes for platonic friendships as well.

I'm definitely caught up with NRE right now. New person is on my mind a lot.

How will I feel about him when it's not new and shiny any more?

What is Love? What is Compatibility?

What does it mean to love someone? How do you know if you love someone?

Does it even matter? If you feel safe in their company. If your heart skips a beat each time your phone goes "new text!"

How does new love and old love coexist?

I'm in a fairly long term relationship. There are a few things that aren't quite what I'd wish them to be. There has been fairly little consistent improvement over the years. Each time we talk about it things will get better. For a while. Then back to same old, same old.

Recently, I got involved with a new person. And he is really, really good at this thing. In a way that really highlights how much energy I put into "dealing" (read ignore and hope it will get better and periodically going "this needs to change or I'm out!") with the issue. It's just not an issue at all.

New person has other things where we don't quite mesh, but since everything is new and shiny I don't know how much of an issue those would be in the long run.

Do I love my current long term partner? Yes. I definitely do.
Are we compatible? I don't know, but the doubts are there. And they're consistent.

Do I love new person? I don't know. I definitely like him. A lot.
Are we compatible? Too soon to tell. 

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Old Diaries Found

Found a bunch of my old diaries today. Skimmed through one of them a bit, and parts of it was painful to read. The guy I mentioned in my last post, I really saw him as a friend. Before he completely broke my trust.

Mortality of 2003 was a lot different than I am today. And also a lot like Mortality of 2016.

Now, just as back then, I'm fiercely loyal to my friends. I sometimes give so much I don't have enough left to take care of myself. I also get a lot from my friends. And I love my friends.

Then, just as now, I had some pretty serious trust issues. But I also knew that without any risk friendships can't exist. You can't have a meaningful relationship with another person without risking heartbreak. Back then I just took different risks.


Taking it one day at the time, I'm working on becoming the best version of me that I can!

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Ten years ago this summer

He was supposed to be one of my best friends.
I stayed a week.
He did not take "no" for an answer.

I took me a year and then some to use the right words to describe what happened.

I was raped.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

Traveling

I love traveling. I love airports. I love the excitement of going somewhere new, or returning to a beloved home away from home.

So far I've visited three (or four, if Tenerife counts as Africa xD) continents. Some day I want to visit the rest of them! 

Arguing

My parents argued. Loudly sometimes.

A few days ago some of my neighbours had a loud row right around the time I was waking up. So the yelling mingled with my dreams as my consciousness came up from the depths of sleep, zapping me back twenty years to waking up to arguing parents.

I used to have tummy aches more often than not. Until my dad moved over seas. Or so my mum told me. I don't quite remember.

I hate arguing and angry people. It makes me nervous.

My dad can't leave his ego out of things, that would've been a very bad combination with teenage tantrums. I'm actually quite glad that he wasn't around for most of my teens. And that was before I cut him off. We didn't speak for four years.

He nearly died in a car crash halfway through those four years. He came out of that a lot more mellow. We have somewhat of a relationship these days.

Friday, 29 January 2016

Unexpected Residual Feelings

There is this guy, i used to consider him "the one who got away" for a long time. We talked on the phone today. It was weird. He talked about some things that was going on between him and his girlfriend and it mirrored some of the stuff that went down between us back in 2010. And I just want to reach back in time, give past-me a giant hug and tell her she deserves better.

I realised I had some residual feelings for him, and I just have to find a way to live with that. What I don't have to live with is the belief that he was my " perfect guy" and that I'll never get anything as good as what we could've had. Past-me deserved a lot better than what he was capable of giving me back then.

So does present-me.

And future-me.

I deserve some one who'll prioratise me in a way that he never did. Someone who cares about me, and shows it even when it isn't easy, in a way this guy never did.

This guy isn't "the one who got away", he's just the one I had the hardest time getting over. The one who bailed before we knew if we had a chance, leaving me with a fuck ton of what-ifs. He isn't "the one who got away" cos relationships aren't about catching someone and holding them down, it's about choosing each other every day.

Relationships are about choice.

Now my emotions just have to get that memo as well.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Found my old blog

I used to write a lot on my old blog. Over three years (summer of 2007 through summer of 2010) I wrote some 800 posts about my life. I processed some trauma, chronicles my first relationship in detail, and I think I only stopped blogging when I started getting really involved in my extra curricular clubs in University.

I wish there was an easy way to link these two blogs while still keeping them separate. Someday I should probably read through the archives properly, to see how my memories line up with the stuff written nearly in real time.

I see some parallels in my current relationship to that first one. I'm not sure I'm actually supposed to ever be in a serious, monogamous relationship. I'm starting to feel a bit trapped in this one tbh, but there are a few factors working together to keep me here. I do love him, we live together, so untangling out lives would be a pain. I'm dealing with some mental health issues, so I don't really have the energy to deal with uncoupling. And I'm hoping that this feeling will pass.

Am I just a horrible girlfriend in general?

What do I actually want out of that part of my life? Do I want to forever juggle a couple of friends with benefits type relationships? Do I want something properly serious?


I think I want kids some day.

Cis, sexism and pronouns

I don't remember when I learnt that trans people existed, that not everyone identified with the gender they were assigned at birth. But I do remember the first time I heard the word "cis", and I was all like "YES! Finally I have the word for me!". Cos saying I "wasn't trans" or "non-trans" didn't feel quite right. Neither did "normal". I've never liked applying the word "normal" to myself.

Cis was one of the first labels I felt really comfortable with. Even more so than "girl". I don't know why. Could have something to do with going through a phase were I wondered if I was really a boy, and people were just mistaken when I was born. I'm not sure.

Then we get the whole pronouns thing. I really, really, really dislike being misgendered. To the point where I was very vocal about what pronouns I preferred as a teen girl playing MMOs. Very vocal. If someone used "he" when talking about me, I'd type "she*" as if it was a typo and they really knew what pronouns they ought to use. I would rather take all the abuse girls get online than have anyone call me "he".

I talked about that with a friend a few weeks ago. About misgendering and using the wrong pronouns. I said something about how I really understand trans people who hate when people use the wrong pronouns, and how I was very vocal about being a girl online. My friend said she preferred the wrong pronouns to all the grief girls get when playing games online. We had different survival tactics.

I really like talking to her about gender stuff and equality, cos we have very different ways of dealing with all the sexism in the world. So it's really interesting to "compare notes" so to say.