Friday, 30 September 2016

Torn

I love my boyfriend.

Some parts of the relationship aren't working. Those will turn into deal breakers with enough time unless something changes. Hardly anything has changed in the past three years.

I don't know what I want.

Or am I just afraid to admit it to myself?

Stress Levels Gone Down

I've been a bit stressed out lately. I have a final next week that I don't even know how to study for and I'm supposed to be starting my thesis in five weeks. I still don't have an advisor.

But now I have a back-up plan. So everything feels much better!

Back-up plan:
Thesis start in January
Take a class from my other university next quarter.

Graduate three months late.


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Nervous

So many thoughts twirling around in my head.

What do I even want? Do I wanna be in a relationship? Do I wanna be single?

I'm kinda seeing a new friend, and it's really highlighting some of the problems I'm having in my relationship. The things I have to step-by-step tell my boyfriend about, that drains me having to explain, that I just wish he knew. The things I didn't realise how much energy it takes to keep up, the things that I'm coming to realise probably won't change and that I won't be able to live with indefinitely.

And these things are a complete non-issue with my new friend. He just... gets it.


I think I might need to break up with my boyfriend. 

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Woke up hungry

I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off. Think I forgot to eat for parts of yesterday.

I do that sometimes.

It's better now than when I chose not to eat all my meals at least.

I dreamt weird stuff. I dreamt I was trying to file my nails a bit, and it just didn't work. The file took off chunks at a time and I couldn't get my nails even. It was good to wake up after that xD

Also dreamt that I was in a thrift store, but all their stuff was super expensive. Like add a zero to normal city thrift store prices. But the owners were super kind. 

Monday, 12 September 2016

NRE

New Relationship Energi (NRE) is something most people experience. When you meet a new person.

I've mostly seen the term applied to romantic relationships, but I think it goes for platonic friendships as well.

I'm definitely caught up with NRE right now. New person is on my mind a lot.

How will I feel about him when it's not new and shiny any more?

What is Love? What is Compatibility?

What does it mean to love someone? How do you know if you love someone?

Does it even matter? If you feel safe in their company. If your heart skips a beat each time your phone goes "new text!"

How does new love and old love coexist?

I'm in a fairly long term relationship. There are a few things that aren't quite what I'd wish them to be. There has been fairly little consistent improvement over the years. Each time we talk about it things will get better. For a while. Then back to same old, same old.

Recently, I got involved with a new person. And he is really, really good at this thing. In a way that really highlights how much energy I put into "dealing" (read ignore and hope it will get better and periodically going "this needs to change or I'm out!") with the issue. It's just not an issue at all.

New person has other things where we don't quite mesh, but since everything is new and shiny I don't know how much of an issue those would be in the long run.

Do I love my current long term partner? Yes. I definitely do.
Are we compatible? I don't know, but the doubts are there. And they're consistent.

Do I love new person? I don't know. I definitely like him. A lot.
Are we compatible? Too soon to tell.