Saturday, 30 January 2016


I love traveling. I love airports. I love the excitement of going somewhere new, or returning to a beloved home away from home.

So far I've visited three (or four, if Tenerife counts as Africa xD) continents. Some day I want to visit the rest of them! 


My parents argued. Loudly sometimes.

A few days ago some of my neighbours had a loud row right around the time I was waking up. So the yelling mingled with my dreams as my consciousness came up from the depths of sleep, zapping me back twenty years to waking up to arguing parents.

I used to have tummy aches more often than not. Until my dad moved over seas. Or so my mum told me. I don't quite remember.

I hate arguing and angry people. It makes me nervous.

My dad can't leave his ego out of things, that would've been a very bad combination with teenage tantrums. I'm actually quite glad that he wasn't around for most of my teens. And that was before I cut him off. We didn't speak for four years.

He nearly died in a car crash halfway through those four years. He came out of that a lot more mellow. We have somewhat of a relationship these days.

Friday, 29 January 2016

Unexpected Residual Feelings

There is this guy, i used to consider him "the one who got away" for a long time. We talked on the phone today. It was weird. He talked about some things that was going on between him and his girlfriend and it mirrored some of the stuff that went down between us back in 2010. And I just want to reach back in time, give past-me a giant hug and tell her she deserves better.

I realised I had some residual feelings for him, and I just have to find a way to live with that. What I don't have to live with is the belief that he was my " perfect guy" and that I'll never get anything as good as what we could've had. Past-me deserved a lot better than what he was capable of giving me back then.

So does present-me.

And future-me.

I deserve some one who'll prioratise me in a way that he never did. Someone who cares about me, and shows it even when it isn't easy, in a way this guy never did.

This guy isn't "the one who got away", he's just the one I had the hardest time getting over. The one who bailed before we knew if we had a chance, leaving me with a fuck ton of what-ifs. He isn't "the one who got away" cos relationships aren't about catching someone and holding them down, it's about choosing each other every day.

Relationships are about choice.

Now my emotions just have to get that memo as well.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Found my old blog

I used to write a lot on my old blog. Over three years (summer of 2007 through summer of 2010) I wrote some 800 posts about my life. I processed some trauma, chronicles my first relationship in detail, and I think I only stopped blogging when I started getting really involved in my extra curricular clubs in University.

I wish there was an easy way to link these two blogs while still keeping them separate. Someday I should probably read through the archives properly, to see how my memories line up with the stuff written nearly in real time.

I see some parallels in my current relationship to that first one. I'm not sure I'm actually supposed to ever be in a serious, monogamous relationship. I'm starting to feel a bit trapped in this one tbh, but there are a few factors working together to keep me here. I do love him, we live together, so untangling out lives would be a pain. I'm dealing with some mental health issues, so I don't really have the energy to deal with uncoupling. And I'm hoping that this feeling will pass.

Am I just a horrible girlfriend in general?

What do I actually want out of that part of my life? Do I want to forever juggle a couple of friends with benefits type relationships? Do I want something properly serious?

I think I want kids some day.

Cis, sexism and pronouns

I don't remember when I learnt that trans people existed, that not everyone identified with the gender they were assigned at birth. But I do remember the first time I heard the word "cis", and I was all like "YES! Finally I have the word for me!". Cos saying I "wasn't trans" or "non-trans" didn't feel quite right. Neither did "normal". I've never liked applying the word "normal" to myself.

Cis was one of the first labels I felt really comfortable with. Even more so than "girl". I don't know why. Could have something to do with going through a phase were I wondered if I was really a boy, and people were just mistaken when I was born. I'm not sure.

Then we get the whole pronouns thing. I really, really, really dislike being misgendered. To the point where I was very vocal about what pronouns I preferred as a teen girl playing MMOs. Very vocal. If someone used "he" when talking about me, I'd type "she*" as if it was a typo and they really knew what pronouns they ought to use. I would rather take all the abuse girls get online than have anyone call me "he".

I talked about that with a friend a few weeks ago. About misgendering and using the wrong pronouns. I said something about how I really understand trans people who hate when people use the wrong pronouns, and how I was very vocal about being a girl online. My friend said she preferred the wrong pronouns to all the grief girls get when playing games online. We had different survival tactics.

I really like talking to her about gender stuff and equality, cos we have very different ways of dealing with all the sexism in the world. So it's really interesting to "compare notes" so to say.